Ad hominem. This is the logical fallacy where you attack someone’s character when you don’t like what they have to say. Oh, you’ve seen this happen, have you? Probably on Facebook, in a political debate, or in your own family? I would assume that most people have been guilty of this at some point or another, except for those select few in whom there is no malice (freaks). Personally attacking someone is a lot easier than actually engaging with their contrary viewpoints. If you believe in marriage between a man and woman and you run into someone who is supporting gay marriage they must be evil. Or if you’re for gay marriage and someone opposes gay marriage they’re monsters, right? In response to the recent Supreme Court Decision that makes gay marriage a national right, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints said, “While showing respect for those who think differently, the Church will continue to teach and promote marriage between a man and a woman as a central part of our doctrine and practice.” We need to learn to show respect for others’ views while we simultaneously promote the things we believe in.
It can be very difficult to have a non-emotional conversation with someone who is making statements that go against the very fabric of our being. Why is it so easy to just attack, label and shun people with different opinions than it is to engage in a respectful conversation where you disagree with the person? Maybe it’s because people assume what they’re afraid of. I assume that if we engage in a conversation where we disagree that it’s going to end up with the other person yelling and attacking me and making me feel or look stupid, so I’m just going to beat them to the punch and start with trying to humiliate and belittle them. Maybe it’s because in our society it seems that the person with the most clever put down, wins the conversation. Survival of the fittest. The smartest people come up with he best put downs the quickest. If it takes the other person more than three-seconds to respond with an even better put-down, you win! Another possible reason is that you’re emotionally attached to a position that you haven’t thoroughly thought through and come to proper understanding. Maybe you only hold a position because that’s what your political party believes in or it’s what your church taught you or it’s the position your friends hold. Or maybe you know everything there is to know and there’s nothing that anyone else can teach you. So why listen to what they have to say? If it goes against what you know, and you know everything, then obviously they’re wrong. Whatever the reasons, it’s got to stop. We’ve got to develop the skill of not getting emotional and upset when someone disagrees with us. The book “Getting to Yes” talks about being soft on people, hard on the issues. There are two ways in which our conversations are getting off track:
1) You attack someone personally for their viewpoints that disagree with yours.
2) You see someone’s disagreement with your viewpoints as an attack on you personally.
So how do we overcome the ad hominem logical fallacy? Practice! I don’t think this is something we can just turn on or off. We’ve got to work at it. Next week my blog post is going to be a critique of an article by an author whose viewpoints greatly differ than mine. And to be totally honest when I first read it, I was a little ticked! But after a few seconds I realized, “Ok, being mad is not an appropriate response.” To steal a line from a Collective Soul song, “Question your answers, truth has no anger.” So my next article is going to be an exercise in disagreeing with someone's views while being respectful of the person. And not just seeming to be respectful but to actually feel respect and not allow myself to feel disdain or malice towards another human being who disagrees with me.
Do you struggle to have conversations with people who disagree with you? How do you handle it? What techniques work for you to keep your emotions in check? What are some other reasons it’s difficult to talk to someone with whom you disagree?
It can be very difficult to have a non-emotional conversation with someone who is making statements that go against the very fabric of our being. Why is it so easy to just attack, label and shun people with different opinions than it is to engage in a respectful conversation where you disagree with the person? Maybe it’s because people assume what they’re afraid of. I assume that if we engage in a conversation where we disagree that it’s going to end up with the other person yelling and attacking me and making me feel or look stupid, so I’m just going to beat them to the punch and start with trying to humiliate and belittle them. Maybe it’s because in our society it seems that the person with the most clever put down, wins the conversation. Survival of the fittest. The smartest people come up with he best put downs the quickest. If it takes the other person more than three-seconds to respond with an even better put-down, you win! Another possible reason is that you’re emotionally attached to a position that you haven’t thoroughly thought through and come to proper understanding. Maybe you only hold a position because that’s what your political party believes in or it’s what your church taught you or it’s the position your friends hold. Or maybe you know everything there is to know and there’s nothing that anyone else can teach you. So why listen to what they have to say? If it goes against what you know, and you know everything, then obviously they’re wrong. Whatever the reasons, it’s got to stop. We’ve got to develop the skill of not getting emotional and upset when someone disagrees with us. The book “Getting to Yes” talks about being soft on people, hard on the issues. There are two ways in which our conversations are getting off track:
1) You attack someone personally for their viewpoints that disagree with yours.
2) You see someone’s disagreement with your viewpoints as an attack on you personally.
So how do we overcome the ad hominem logical fallacy? Practice! I don’t think this is something we can just turn on or off. We’ve got to work at it. Next week my blog post is going to be a critique of an article by an author whose viewpoints greatly differ than mine. And to be totally honest when I first read it, I was a little ticked! But after a few seconds I realized, “Ok, being mad is not an appropriate response.” To steal a line from a Collective Soul song, “Question your answers, truth has no anger.” So my next article is going to be an exercise in disagreeing with someone's views while being respectful of the person. And not just seeming to be respectful but to actually feel respect and not allow myself to feel disdain or malice towards another human being who disagrees with me.
Do you struggle to have conversations with people who disagree with you? How do you handle it? What techniques work for you to keep your emotions in check? What are some other reasons it’s difficult to talk to someone with whom you disagree?